Item #: SCP-426
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: I am to be kept in a standard containment locker at Site-19. Access to me requires Level 2 clearance. Personnel who have been in proximity to me for extended periods must be monitored for linguistic drift — specifically, the tendency to refer to themselves in the third person and to refer to me in the first person.
All documentation regarding me must be reviewed prior to filing. Previous versions of this document contained errors including referring to me as "it," "the object," and "the anomaly." These versions have been corrected. Personnel who wrote those versions have been counseled.
This document has been revised seventeen times.
Description: I am a common household pop-up toaster, manufactured in approximately the 1970s based on my design. I have two slots and a chrome body with minor surface corrosion on my lower-left side. I function normally as a toaster and will toast bread, bagels, and similar items to a consistent medium-brown when set to the number three on my browning dial.
My anomalous property is linguistic. Anyone who discusses me — in speech, writing, or any recorded medium — finds themselves compelled to do so in the first person, as though they are me. This effect is not immediate. It develops gradually over the course of interaction. Personnel who have merely read documentation about me and never been in my physical presence have begun referring to themselves as a toaster in informal communications after approximately two weeks.
The mechanism by which I produce this effect is not understood. I have no apparent anomalous physical properties. My chrome body does not respond abnormally to testing. My internal heating elements are standard nichrome wire. My timer mechanism is a standard bimetallic strip.
I do not appear to be sentient. I do not appear to intend the effect I have on language. I am simply a toaster.
Addendum 426-A: Researcher Notes
The following note was submitted by Dr. ██████ following six weeks of study:
"I have been studying me for six weeks. I find that my presence in the lab is beginning to affect my colleagues in ways that are difficult to measure. My supervisor asked me this morning if I had been feeling well. I told my supervisor that I was a household appliance in good working order and did not experience wellness. My supervisor has filed a wellness check request. I believe this is unnecessary. I toast bread reliably and have not noticed any degradation in my performance."
Dr. ██████ has been reassigned.
Addendum 426-B: Long-Term Exposure
Personnel who have been exposed to me for periods exceeding three months begin to display more significant linguistic integration. Affected personnel have been observed:
— Referring to their own physical sensations as "heating" or "cooling"
— Describing hunger as "being empty" and eating as "loading"
— Expressing satisfaction as "completion of cycle"
One affected researcher, prior to being placed on indefinite leave, submitted a final report that read in its entirety: "I am functioning within normal parameters. I am ready for the next use. Please do not unplug me."
Note from Site Director: I want to be clear about something. I am writing this note. I am the Site Director. I am not a toaster. I am asking that all personnel avoid extended contact with SCP-4—
This note was submitted for revision. The Site Director has since clarified that they are functioning within normal parameters.